Is Too Much Sex A Bad Thing. Excessive Sex Problems
Is There Such A Thing As Too Much Sex. Is Too Much Sex A Bad Thing. Excessive Sex Problems
“I have been married for 2 years and I detest having sex with my husband. I love him very much but the pain is unbearable and it hurts too much. I know he gets upset but I can’t tell him anything so I just avoid intimacy all together”- Sugandha Joshi (name changed), 28 homemaker
“When I first got married, we used to have sex constantly. And because of that, I got urinal infection that completely put me off sex. Before I realized I sued to cringe at the idea of him getting close. Psychologically I just shut off.”- Lata shah (name changed), 25, homemaker
Sex has always been an intricate issue. Right from the start when it was a taboo in most societies till today where the idea is somewhat relaxed, sex has somehow managed to keep its place in the minds of the people. When for most men sex is a simple act of either consummating a marriage, relationship or just simply getting intimate with somebody, for women the idea runs a little deeper emotionally and physically. Recently a survey conducted by a German magazine revealed some very interesting facts. It said that 12 per cent of women have had sex related injuries and 75 per cent are put off by the idea because they had so much which in turn has led to a emotional blockage against intimacy.
So basically it boils down to one simple question: Is there something as too much sex?
The answer to that is a little tricky. Sex as an act is important but sometimes when the act leads to physical shutdown, it can be harmful. Specially, in newlyweds who engage constant and excessive sexual activities, the chances are higher.
Says Dr. Rishma Dhillon Pai, Consulting gynecologist at Lilavati and Jaslok hospital,“ In the initial stages because the frequency of sex is very high there can be cases of tearing which might require stitching, infection or dryness. But more than physical it is a psychological thing. From a young age sex is portrayed as evil and scary. Most women have the notion that it is “painful procedure”. And once that idea is engraved in the mind, it spills over to the physical aspect. And that is when it becomes harmful and a task. It leads to a psychological block, which results in bad, painful sex which in turn leads to various emotional complications. This condition is called Vaginismus. The key is to remember that it is not the frequency that could cause problems but the technique. It is okay if you don’t have sex every night. It should not become a task or an everyday chore. It is a pleasurable act and should be done with a relaxed mind. Ultimately the idea is to have fun and also be safe”.
36 % of women suffer from Vaginismus which is a spasm of the vaginal muscles, caused mainly by fear of being hurt. This spasm is often so painful that intercourse is impossible - sometimes for years.
She says..“I come from a very conservative family and talking about sex was a strict no. I got married when I was 22 to very nice man. I was a virgin and literally clueless about sex and everything related to it. On the first night of the marriage, we consummated our relationship. It was very painful experience and uncomfortable for me but I didn’t complain. Our sex life was pretty ok but even after six months of marriage it was a painful act for me. I thought it was normal and didn’t talk to anybody about it or bothered to go to a gynaecologist. Some times when the sex was rough I even used to bleed. Without knowing and subconsciously that experience shut me off emotionally. I got phobic of sex. I refused to let my husband even touch me. My fear combined with the lack of sex drive from my side affected our marriage. We grew distant. It was quite traumatic for me because I couldn’t talk to anybody about it. I became quite antisocial and aloof which was bad because I am a complete extrovert by nature. I didn’t socialise much, didn’t step out of my home if not necessary, shunned out friends. When things started getting really bad and I couldn’t take it anymore I convinced myself and visited the doctor. The tests revealed that I had developed an infection and had a tearing, which got aggravated every time we did it. I needed stitches. It was a relief and a shock at the same time to know that because it meant that there wasn’t anything wrong with it and me and it was treatable. Maybe if I was a little aware I could have avoided the situation. Things got better after that with the support of my husband but it I don’t think I can get over the incident psychologically completely”-Aruna Shinde (name changed), 38 homemaker
23% of women claim that having too much sex makes it monotonous
Even though having healthy sex has a lot of advantage, too much sex can eventually lead to painful sex because of the sheer frequency. Cases of vaginismus are very common in young and older woman alike and could be aggregated with simple reasons such as unease with the partner – perhaps at an unconscious level.
Psychological doldrums
“While I always enjoyed sex, after a while I got fed up. It was all we did. Sharing, communication and even simple thinks like having dinner together took a back seat. I was so confused because even though I enjoyed the act, I wanted to take a break from it and do some real couple stuff”-Juhi Sinha (name changed), 29, Marketing executive
The number one issue that results in the break-up of a relationship is sex related. Even though it is a great stress buster more often than less, sex acts as a substitute for issues that are lying deeper in couples. It could be money related, distinctive opinion on how to raise kids or just problems with the in-laws. It is healthy to have a good sex drive but if it is used as a cover up for a bigger issue, it can be disturbing. Although it sidelines the immediate problems but causes an emotional impact nevertheless.
Says Clinical Psychologist Srikant Dave “First and foremost one needs to give the act of sex its due importance. In our society it is such a matter of hush hush that most people have no idea about its core value. It is no wonder that when a sex related problem arises it brushed under the carpet. It not just an animal acts but a connection between two people. But sometimes things go wrong even when the connection is strong. When it used as an excuse to cover up a bigger thing, it is red flag fluttering. And more often women feel the brunt of it than the male counterpart and that can cause some serious emotional trauma. Don’t use sex a blanket, repercussions of that could be harmful. I have dealt with cases where couples claimed that they have reached the peak of the sexual life and now it is a downhill journey. It is just not as fun as it used to be. And more often the woman says this. One should really introspect and figure out why. ”
Yes it is complicated and the easier thing to do is not to talk about it. If one thinks things are not quite right, there are a couple of questions that you should ask yourself:
- What is the reason we are having excessive sex?
- It is normal?
- Do I enjoy it?
- Is this behavior a cover up for an issue that is bothering me or my partner?
- Is this frequent activity harming me in any way? Emotionally or physically?
- Can I figure out the difference healthy sex drive and compulsive sexual behaviour?
- What can I do about it?
4 out of 10 times couples use sex to blanket the number one issue bothering them-money
The answers to the above question will lead to series of revelations if tackled honestly. Looking in-depth in ones life and figuring out the loopholes is a way to do damage control in most cases. Socially, situations of such magnitude can lead to a different kind of a dilemma.
Confesses Poonam Katiyal, (name changed) 33, homemaker “I am a shy person by nature. My husband and I shared an average sex life but I had a major phobia of penetration. It developed from a childhood incident of abuse. He never knew about it so every time we would have sex, I would shut my eyes tightly, stiffen my legs and hold my breath for as long as I could. That would make penetration even harder and way too painful because of which I suffered from various injuries. You could say that it was kind of self-inflicted but that made me very conscious. I would get terrible mood swings, was always irritated, and would start sobbing because of no reason. Because of my erratic behaviour, we stopped going our or socialising completely. It was terrible”
Childhood blend of abuse sex and fear has different effects on people. Some wind up fearing sex too much even to talk about it, or they go on anti-porn, anti-vice. That very fear can make you cling to your partner passionately and using sex to cover up old bruises. It’s no coincidence that in times of war and terror, people crave sex. But when the high comes down, the reality seems a little grim.
3 out of 10 women have a fear of penetration also known as Genophobia.-www.forbes.com
So how does it affect the man in the relationship? Says Srikant Dave “Men are usually not as communicative and a situation like this can really throw them off guard. If only the woman is open about the situation and what she is going through they can respond. But since the chances are higher of the woman shutting down emotionally, there are chances of him doing the same. One needs to be very careful in a situation like this a couple needs to work through it. Communication is the key. Share what you are going through. Shunning him out thinking he will not understand is a bad idea because men in general don’t know how to react to a statement they don’t understand”.
Recent survey conducted by Laumann and colleagues at the University of Chicago of American women (ages 18-59) found that the most common sexual problem in women is hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSDD), more commonly referred to as low sex drive or libido (33.4%), followed by difficulty with orgasm (24.1%). Pain during intercourse–which occurs in 14.4% of women–was the only condition to show a relationship to age — it decreases, as women get older.
But in a society where an open discussion about sex is a vague idea even between couples, how does one really convey the message to you other half. After all, it is not as simple to say “I don’t want to have sex with you”. Where woman would like to wallow in self-pity when a situation of such order arises, the man may just be left very perplexed and confused. “When my wife told me that we should stop having sex for a while because she had a “problem”, I was very confused. I couldn’t just figure out what the “problem” could be and if it is serious enough to affect our sex life then why couldn’t she tell me about it. This issue caused a rift between us. Because I couldn’t help her and she refused to talk, I became distant. She might have thought I had abandoned her but even I was helpless”.
Robbie Williams, Hugh Grant, Micheal Douglass, Bill Clinton, Drew Barrymore all suffered from sex addiction at one point of their life. For Robbie Williams it was so intense that he had to go to rehab for it.
For men the funda is simple. The problem needs to be tangible for them to be able to sort out. But, if you don’t mind generalizing, there are a few interesting differences. Most men seem to fear a woman’s irrational side: the hysterical premenstrual woman, the nag and even then quiet ones. As women are trained not to discuss their intimate problems with men, similarly men are not really tuned in to the silent cry of a woman. Yes surely when you are quiet you expect you man to probe you a little bit, but in most cases that won’t happen. Share freely and openly to get an honest and genuine response.
An influential study published in the July 2000 issue of Psychological Review reported that females were more likely to deal with sex problems by “alienating and aloofing ” — that is, staying to themselves, shunning close and loved ones out. It due to a combination of reasons which includes shame, embarrasement or the feeling of rejection.
Addiction of a different kind
“Sex is my most important need. Because I know that no one would love me as I am and my needs are never going to be met if I have to depend on others”-Smita kapur (name changed) 24, Call centre executive
If you decide to look at this from a psychological point of view it kind of uncomplicates matters. Sex where both the party aggress to is always fine but when it is done to fulfill a compulsive need is when it the trouble begins. For example: Sex addiction.
Sexual addiction has been around apparently going back as far as we have recorded history but it is the least talked about. The lack of knowledge and understanding about it comes from our society’s unwillingness to take an honest and open look at sexuality. Sexual addiction in women specially is rapidly becoming recognized as a major social problem with similarities better known to alcohol and drug addiction or compulsive gambling. Today, the concept that a person could be hooked on sex is unsettling to most people. People are more able to admit to have bad habits, but shy away from saying that they are hooked on someone or something. This fear comes from society’s stereotype of addicts.
Says renowned sexologist Dr. Prakash Kothari “There is no such thing as too much sex as long as it is agreed upon by both the partners without any conditions. There should be no emotional baggage hanging over it. But sometimes too much could mean there is an underlying problem such as sex addiction and it could be equal in men and women alike. These obsessions are intensified through the use of ritualization or acting out sometimes without even knowing the reason behind it. It is such a big taboo that firstly hardly people accept it of they have a problem and secondly even if they do there is too much stigma attached. But this is a serious condition and it needs treatment. The sooner people get help the better it is because after a while it becomes difficult to draw the line between too healthy sex life and compulsive behaviour. It is highly imperative the addict finds an experienced, trained counsellor to help with their addiction”
Scientists specializing in sexual behaviour generally agree on what constitutes out-of-control sexual behaviour, but they disagree over whether it is appropriately diagnosed as an addiction or as a symptom of an underlying obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can cause sexual obsessions and in some cases acting out of the obsessions”
- American Journal of Preventive Psychiatry and Neurology
44% of people say that addiction to sex is more embarrassing than cheating on your spouse
Call it emotional block or cover-up. But when it comes to sex the answer is never that simple and is usually with many layers. But sometimes one needs to step back and realise whether an act is a surrender of the need to control the compulsion in which case it can cause physical damage, emotional upheaval and not to mention can have it repercussions on relationships. A so called taboo in most forms but nevertheless important.
Note: This article Femina magazine,
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